“Are you going to die?” my four-year-old son asked. 

You’d think that this was his first time asking me such a question. I mean he’s only 4 years old. 

Nope. He’d been asking me this same question for weeks up until that point. 

I’d made the mistake of watching the movie Downton Abbey, while my son and his two-year-old sister played in the background.

It had been a long week. My feet were tired. My pregnant belly extended further than it had just days prior. And my one-year-old daughter was down for a nap. I couldn’t wait to escape through the means of a movie. I figured that Downton Abbey was innocent enough.

And it was.

But then there was a brief funeral at the end. And that’s when the questions began. 

“Mama what’s that? Did she die? Are you going to die?” my son asked feverishly.  

I knew this wasn’t the first time he witnessed death through the means of a screen. He’d seen a dinosaur die in his favorite show, a land before time. He enjoyed smashing ants with triumphant victory whenever he saw one crawl through the crevices of our front door. I knew that he had a general concept of death and finality. But this latest question felt different.

I could see his little eyes grow a bit anxious as he awaited my coming answer. To understand the concept of death is one thing. To unpack its meaning in relation to someone you love…is another. 

“Yes, sweetheart, but when I die I will go to heaven. It’s like me going to sleep and waking up alive again but in heaven,” I tried to reassure.

This was a truth I’d come to cherish for over 20 years. But it was a truth felt with so much more weight as I tried to explain it to my son at that moment.

But he didn’t quite understand. 
“Are you going to die tomorrow? Am I going to die? Let’s pray and ask God for me to never become an adult so I won’t die. Can I ask God that, Mama?” 

I wanted him to know that He could ask God any question he wanted. And so we bowed our heads and he prayed. 

“Did God say ‘yes’ Mama?”

The way he said ‘Mama’ typically didn’t melt my heart, as I’d hear him so often yell it…scream it….whine it….throughout the day. But in that moment, seeing his innocent eyes search for meaning, made me want to hold him tight. I could see him wanting to feel safe.

“I don’t know son. But I believe God has many big plans for you and wants you to live a long time and become a husband and father one day like daddy. “

“Okay. But Mama, I don’t want to die.” 

If you’re a Christian, you don’t really die, son. It’s like going to sleep and waking up in heaven. (How could I explain the differences between the first death and second for believers vs. non believers?)

“Okay. So Christians don’t die?” he asked.

“No, not really sweetheart. They like go to sleep and wake up in heaven.”

For weeks, he kept asking questions regarding death. I tried my best to be honest and sure without provoking fear. His curiosity grew and so did the depth of his questions. 

One random day, while waiting in the car for my husband to return from purchasing car tags for our car, my son began his list of questions again. I’d been tempted to let the kids watch something on my phone after two hours of them waiting, but they were cheerfully finding things to entertain themselves with on their own. It was in the third hour of waiting in which  the questions began. 

“Mama, are you going to die?”

We talked at length again. I explained how Christians have the assurance of being with God forever no matter what. I knew the Holy Spirit didn’t want me to broach the topic of hell just yet. 

“Okay, Mama. I want God,” he said gleefully.

“You want to be with God forever?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said, somewhat distracted by who knows what.

“Okay, you can have God.” I then spoke about sin and God being a savior and dying on the cross so that we wouldn’t have to be punished for doing bad things anymore. And that when we believe these things to be so, He sends His Spirit to be with us ALWAYS.

I led him in prayer as He confessed that he sometimes did bad things and wanted God to be with him forever.

After praying, he wanted to know if the random passers-by, seen from our front window,  were “Christian” or not. And why that random man was smoking. And if that man was going to now die because his lungs would be black. Okay, I digress. It’s quite fun having a curious four year old.

I write this blog post because I learned two vital lessons through these conversations with my oldest son. 

1. The Lord reminded me that my son will not always come to me with hard questions only when I’m ready to talk.  It’s going to be in the everyday moments of waiting in the car, trying to get dinner ready, or getting dressed when I must be ready and available to talk with my child when certain questions come up. If I’m consumed by my phone/tv/books or if I create a culture in which my kids are always consuming some form of media or activity, disallowing thoughtful reflection and careful thought, I will most likely miss windows of time to allow my children to ask, think, and ponder on observations seen throughout the day. Having the knowledge to answer hard questions is just as important as being “available” to have a discussion. Fostering a foundation for critical thinking within my children is just as important as making room for my kids to have quiet moments of “nothingness” to simply think and not be bombarded with only content to consume. 

2. Kiddos are being taught every day by someone. It’s best that my son, as young as he is, learns what death is (or any other topic) through me rather than through a misguided peer, adult who may not share the same values as me, or culture caught through media. Young kids are never too young to broach certain topics that might seem initially lofty or too heavy, and I ought to not shy away from explaining difficult concepts just because it’s inconvenient or too much to explain.

Is my son saved now? The Lord only knows. But I know that our conversations are not in vain. And I’m thankful for the opportunity to be emotionally and physically present to continue such conversations in the near future. Pray for myself and my husband as we continue to navigate parenthood. We need all the wisdom we can get from the Lord. And please continue to pray for the precious souls of our four children.

If you’d like to help us prepare for the arrival of our 4th baby, here’s a link to our baby registry. Every bit counts and is truly appreciated: https://www.babylist.com/psqicnbvu

-Pondered Thought